Toy Story
- January 29, 2006 -
Flipping through the channels as I take a break, I stumble upon Toy Story on the Disney channel. Normally the channels I watch are ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNClassic, TBS, TNT, USA, Comedy Central, ABC, NBC…that’s pretty much it. And I never go through Disney, Nick, or anything like that because the shows are just annoying. But when I got to Disney, one of my top ‘kids’ movies was on: Toy Story. I love animated and cartoon films, because they work on so many levels. They are entertaining enough for children to enjoy, yet they can get so powerful that it leaves grown men thinking for years. That’s what Toy Story did to me.
It was near the end of the movie when I started watching. The more I watch the movie, the more I see bits and pieces of how we view the Christian walk, and our relationship with God. I see the character of Andy as being like God, and we all take the role of his toys. At times we’re like Woody…the one that’s been there for so long. We’ve been a Christian for much of our lives, and had been so content with God loving us and such. Then we see people like Buzz show up…they basically can do everything. They get the praises of everyone else because of their talents, and we start to feel so inferior because we can’t do half the things they do. And it seems as though God loves them so much because we see them growing and being blessed and everything, and we start to associate God’s blessing with what those other people are capable of. And we get to thinking of our failures and downfalls so much that we convince ourselves that we have nothing to really offer God. And then we can be like Buzz, where we start doing so much to try to gain the approval of God, and we start to be prideful when we get the praises of men. We realize that everybody’s eyes are on us because we’re so “holy” and are doing so much more than anyone else.
God was trying to remind of something, because it was at my favorite part when I got to the channel. Sid, the next door neighbor, had kidnapped both Woody and Buzz. Woody was trapped underneath a plastic crate, and Buzz was ducktaped to a rocket that Sid was going shoot off in the morning. At this point, Buzz realizes/accepts the fact that he is not an amazing space ranger, but rather a toy like anyone else. He’s very depressed and down on himself, and doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere, because He feels so useless. They cut to Andy’s house where he’s going to sleep, and he’s asking his mom about both Buzz and Woody because he misses them and doesn’t want to leave without them. And then back to Sid’s room, as Sid slowly falls asleep. And then the greatest conversation of the movie comes:
(Woody whispers to Buzz to help him out, so they can escape back to Andy’s house…)
Buzz: Andy’s house, Sid’s house…what’s the difference?
Woody: Oh, Buzz. You’ve had a big fall. You must not be thinking clearly.
Buzz: No, Woody. For the first time I am thinking clearly. You were right all along. I’m not a space ranger, I’m just a toy, a stupid, little, insignificant toy.
Woody: It’s better than being a space ranger!
Buzz: Yeah, right.
Woody: No, it is. Look. Over in the house there is a kid who thinks you are the greatest, and it’s not because you’re a space ranger, pal. It’s because you are a toy, you are his toy.
Buzz: But why would Andy want me?
Woody: Why would Andy want you?!? Look at you! You’re a Buzz Lightyear. Any other toy would give up its moving parts just to be you! You’ve got wings, you glow in the dark, you talk…your helmet does that…that…that…WHOOOSH thing! You are a cool toy.
(Buzz looks underneath his right foot, and sees, written in permanent marker, “ANDY”)
Wow. That scene gets me everytime (I actually have the audio clip saved on my computer just to listen to and get blessed every now and then). Do you see the connection? You have the good and evil of Andy and Sid. Buzz is so down on himself because he’s not everything that he thought he was, he’s really not the greatest thing in life. Life seems so purposeless to him, that he sees no difference between living with Sid (evil) or going back to Andy (God). He sees no point in trying to get back to Andy, because he has nothing great to offer Andy…there’s no reason he’d want Buzz back. And many times, when I realize how much of a sinner I am, and how stupid I can be, I get in that same mode. I don’t see myself as being “good enough” to get back to God and that God wouldn’t want someone like me. I feel so bland and insignificant.
And then Woody (the long-time Christian) starts to pick his brother up. And he says the most powerful line with “Over in the house there is a kid who thinks you are the greatest, and its not because you’re a space ranger, pal. It’s because you are a toy, you are his toy.” And that’s the message that I need to keep getting drilled in my head. God didn’t say that He loves me because I was capable of so much and I had everything to offer Him. He wanted me because I was His to begin with. He created me, and for simply that reason alone, He desired for me to be with Him. Now that’s love. But then Woody goes off and starts listing off these characteristics about Buzz that makes him special. And we are all so very unique. God has a specific intent for each one of us, and wants to use us in many ways. And every little aspect about us, whether we think its trivial or not, God loves it. We might not see it as anything great or powerful, but God has a big plan in mind where He can get alot accomplished by using what little we have.
The kicker for me, in that scene, is when Buzz looks down at his foot, and sees the name “ANDY” in permanent marker written there. No matter where he went, no matter what he went through, Buzz was always going to be labeled as ANDY’s. That mark was going to be with him until the very end. And whenever we choose to accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, we get marked with Christ’s name on us. We are officially His. And sometimes we just need to go back to that moment where we first accepted Christ, as Buzz was reminded of Andy first labeling him. THEN we know that we are loved, and we belong to something greater. It is then that we have added strength to escape the filth and danger that we live in and cling to God.
The movie ends with Buzz being able to use what he considered a trivial ability (that he was basically ridiculed for the whole movie for thinking it was anything great) to save the day. Again, it’s not about what we have to offer. God can use any talent, any quirk, whether great or small. The more improbable it seems, the more God loves to use it, because it shows us again and again and again how much we need Him, and how capable we are when we have Him.
I’m so thankful that I’ve been marked by Christ. The talents I once thought were amazing now shine dim when around others, God still chooses to use it for His glory. No matter how many other people can fill my roles that I’ve had throughout my life, God still has other places where He wants to use me. He is never going to forget about me, or look past me. I am always going to be His.
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Overflow… (Part III)
- January 26, 2006 -
still looking still dreaming still asking still lost im searching im wondering im pondering the cost just trying to balance and walk the straight line I fake my way through and act like im fine but im jealous im prideful im stubborn im frail I stumble I tumble I struggle I fail im trapped in this well cant get myself out look up to the light to the heavens I shout I reach out my right and search for a hand anyone anything to get me on land instead I get dirt thrown down from above its discipline training and its all out of love shake it off let it fall and raise up the ground the more I overcome the higher im found if I persevere and rise on the dirt if I take my hits and fight through the hurt in time ill be back and out of the well run into heaven and get out of this hell
…let it flow
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Breathe In, Breathe Out
- January 23, 2006 -
What if I told you that I knew a man who loved oxygen so much that he would just keep inhaling, but never exhaled? He knew of how great oxygen was for him, so he couldn’t get enough of it, and just kept breathing in. Or, there’s this girl that loved plants so much and knew that carbon dioxide helped it grow, so she constantly blew out at the plants, but never inhaled. Such a desire to see the plants blossom that she took everything she had and just kept letting it go. What would you think of those people?
Stupid. That’s what I think. The first guy is an idiot because he’s going to bust a lung if he keeps all that air packed in him. Plus, the cycle of oxygen and carbon dioxide is extremely beneficial to the world around us. And that girl is a moron. I mean, good for her that she longs to see the plants grow, but she can only blow so much before she runs out of it herself. If she doesn’t take a break sooner or later, she’ll have exhausted all the air that she had in her, and would basically become useless for the plant. These people are simply fools.
And then I look at myself and I think…stupid…idiot…moron…fool. I do the exact same thing, in the spiritual sense.
First, we have the man who kept inhaling without letting anything go. Throughout my life I’ve soaked up so much knowledge. God has blessed me so much with so many different resources where I can grow in Him. Pastors, sermons, commentaries…God has been teaching me and training me for 21 years of my life. He’s transformed me so much where I’ve become more able to understand and interpret His Word personally, with clarity, and look deeply at the world around with a kingdom vision. And I get so blessed with how much I know and what God teaches me, and I keep it to myself. If it truly was so good for me, wouldn’t I want to spread it to others? It’s so selfish of me to just sit in my bedroom and bask in the mercy and grace of God while there are so many others who are scratching and clawing around trying to get perspective. Many times, people talk about being ‘trained’ and such. God did not give us training so we can make our way through a special obstacle course where we prove we know how to handle the weapons that we’ve been taught to use. No. There is a real life war going on, and we need to step out of the training field and enter the battle zone. Go out and teach others. But its so safe in the training area that we just want to master our skills in there, and then be content with the knowledge that we received a gold star on that course. When in reality, it’s somewhat meaningless. I don’t care if a person hit every 3-pointer they’ve ever taken in a practice…if they don’t ever play in a game, that skill is useless to me.
At the other end, is that innocent little girl. Sometimes, we desire to give and give and give because we want to help others grow so much. But we forget that we cannot survive if we don’t breathe on our own first. We become the limiting factor in the other person’s growth. If we never add more to our knowledge personally, then we’ll soon run out of our help for the other person. We are basically putting a cap on how much the other person can advance. Again, that’s really not taking the other person into consideration. So many times I try to do many acts of service, and lead bible studies, and preach the gospel…but personally I don’t make time to meet with God one-on-one and keep learning. If I’m the only source that person has for closeness with God, I better keep refilling myself so that I can keep build them up as well. Otherwise, we both will basically become stagnant.
There needs to be a constant balanced cycle. I need to BREATHE IN…daily engross myself in the Word of God and continue to grow closer and gain knowledge and understanding. At the same time, I need to BREATHE OUT…regularly share what the Lord has been putting on my heart and teaching me so that others can grow and build off it. Both actions are very important, but if not done together, it can pose seriously problems.
I need to re-learn how to breathe.
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10%
- January 22, 2006 -
How often is 10% a good thing? Like, if a person makes 10% of his shots, I can guarantee you that he wouldn’t be the first person I pick for my team (unless he’s like a close relative or something and I feel bad for him). What about the weatherman? I mean, people complain that they keep their jobs by being correct 70% of the time…how would feel if it was only 10%? Or what if you got a 10% on your exam? Let me tell you from experience, it truly is not something you boast about. I’ve heard many people (and been a part of many conversations) questioning the praise for celebrities and athletes who give thousands of dollars to charities when they are making over a hundred million. When you put it in perspective, it really isn’t that much for them to lose.
In most things, I’d be very disappointed in 10%. I be disappointed in receiving 10% of something from someone, or giving something that’s 10%. Except when it comes to the Lord. There, 10% seems like a huge deal.
Take tithing, for instance. For me, its so tough to do, especially because I don’t have a steady income. But even when I do get a paycheck, I always look at what the state took out, what was taken out for social security, and what I have left. Then I think of all the expenses that I have, and I call myself broke (which I am). I told myself things would change once I get myself a steady job with consistent pay and such. I’ve been itemizing my spending over the past 2 years, so I’ve got a good glimpse as to where all my money is going, and what is necessity or priority for me and things like that. And I told myself that when I get that steady pay, I would immediately set aside that 10% off the gross as my tithe. And I got pretty proud of myself.
But when I think about it more closely, why am I priding myself in 10%? That is the bare minimum. It’s supposed to be my offering to God, being thankful for his provision over me, and also to support the church where He’s grown me. And basically, I’m telling God, “Thank you so much for everything. My entire paycheck is because you’ve given me gifts, talents and abilities to work. And thanks for the church where you had fed me spiritually and allowed me to come away with so much everytime. Because you gave me everything, and you are 100% the reason for anything I have to claim my own, I’m going to give you…ummmm…10% of it.” If I truly and thankful, wouldn’t I desire to give more? If I truly trusted that God does provide, wouldn’t it be easy for me to settle on less than 90%?
The thing is, its clear that God isn’t looking at the total amount.
“Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny.
Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything – all she had to live on.”
Mark 12:41-42
I’ve heard that when the people put their money in the temple treasury, they weren’t dropping bills or anything like that. They had massive amounts of coins, and when they would put it in, it would make loud clanging noises as it bounced around inside. And here this lady put 2 copper coins…they probably didn’t even make a sound. And I can picture all the people at the temple, going off of what they hear. They hear the clanging of all the change and thing “Wow, that person is giving a lot. Look at them.” And they hear the little ting of the copper coins and they laugh, thinking “What good is that going to do that church?” But Jesus saw it completely different. He wasn’t simply basing it off of what He heard. He didn’t simply listen, but He watched. And he knew about what they had to offer, and what they did offer. I have no doubt in my mind that the rich people were giving their 10%. But that widow gave 100%. Why? Because she truly believed that God is greater, and she can do nothing on her own. Being a widow, she probably doesn’t get too much money regularly, and quite possibly has children to feed. But trusting in God’s provision, she gave it to Him. That’s the trust I want to have.
Even outside of tithing, its just a picture of surrender. Are we willing to give God all we have a trust in a greater return? I know this is one of my biggest struggles. I claim that God is in control, but I keep holding on to so much because I think if I let it go, then I’ll never be able to get what I need. I get so fearful to lose what I already have, even though I have a greater treasure promised to me in the future. And there are so many areas of my life I feel like I have to surrender, and then I get really proud of myself when I surrender like 10%. I’ll tell God, “Here! I’m surrendering my education to You completely, and I will trust that You will lead me where You want me to go.” And I get so happy about it, while on the side I hoard onto relationships I have with people. And I can see God staring at me and saying, “Good, you gave that up. But I see so much more. Just trust me.”
I have a problem of giving 10% too often. In my service to others, in my attempts at leadership, I give the bare minimum. Whatever I can do that’ll get the job done and get people to notice that I’m doing something, that’s what I’ll do. It takes too much work to give more. But that is what God is asking of me. He wants me to trust Him that if I give my all, He won’t let me down. If I push myself to take the time to chase people who are distant, God will honor it. If I make myself available to use my talents in any and every way to glorify God, He will use it. If I sacrifice my tempory joys to press hard educationally, God will provide in the end. It’s a tough call to answer. But I know God is good. I want to stop making noise simply for the world to see. I want to live the truth that God is wanting to see.
Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything – all she had to live on.”
Mark 12:41-42
I’ve heard that when the people put their money in the temple treasury, they weren’t dropping bills or anything like that. They had massive amounts of coins, and when they would put it in, it would make loud clanging noises as it bounced around inside. And here this lady put 2 copper coins…they probably didn’t even make a sound. And I can picture all the people at the temple, going off of what they hear. They hear the clanging of all the change and thing “Wow, that person is giving a lot. Look at them.” And they hear the little ting of the copper coins and they laugh, thinking “What good is that going to do that church?” But Jesus saw it completely different. He wasn’t simply basing it off of what He heard. He didn’t simply listen, but He watched. And he knew about what they had to offer, and what they did offer. I have no doubt in my mind that the rich people were giving their 10%. But that widow gave 100%. Why? Because she truly believed that God is greater, and she can do nothing on her own. Being a widow, she probably doesn’t get too much money regularly, and quite possibly has children to feed. But trusting in God’s provision, she gave it to Him. That’s the trust I want to have.
Even outside of tithing, its just a picture of surrender. Are we willing to give God all we have a trust in a greater return? I know this is one of my biggest struggles. I claim that God is in control, but I keep holding on to so much because I think if I let it go, then I’ll never be able to get what I need. I get so fearful to lose what I already have, even though I have a greater treasure promised to me in the future. And there are so many areas of my life I feel like I have to surrender, and then I get really proud of myself when I surrender like 10%. I’ll tell God, “Here! I’m surrendering my education to You completely, and I will trust that You will lead me where You want me to go.” And I get so happy about it, while on the side I hoard onto relationships I have with people. And I can see God staring at me and saying, “Good, you gave that up. But I see so much more. Just trust me.”
I have a problem of giving 10% too often. In my service to others, in my attempts at leadership, I give the bare minimum. Whatever I can do that’ll get the job done and get people to notice that I’m doing something, that’s what I’ll do. It takes too much work to give more. But that is what God is asking of me. He wants me to trust Him that if I give my all, He won’t let me down. If I push myself to take the time to chase people who are distant, God will honor it. If I make myself available to use my talents in any and every way to glorify God, He will use it. If I sacrifice my tempory joys to press hard educationally, God will provide in the end. It’s a tough call to answer. But I know God is good. I want to stop making noise simply for the world to see. I want to live the truth that God is wanting to see.
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Reflecting on Athletics
- January 20, 2006 -
I grew up completely consumed in sports my whole life. That was my top priority for anything…playing sports, watching sports, reading about sports, whatever. If there was an option available, I was doing it. It didn’t matter what I was wearing, where I was at, everything turned into an athletic competition. I remember bending a metal hanger into a circle and lodging it above the doorframe to create a basketball hoop (…and the source of how I busted my front teeth). I remember CMTC play practices where we created an odd type of indoor football game where we would take the caps of spray paint cans and use them in the church basement as the football. Those things don’t just go straight, so it takes a lot skill to build up accuracy throwing those…and can honestly say that I’m a pro.
I was never awesome at any one sport, and I quit everything very early. I have a bad tendancy to start off very strong, but I peak very quickly, so I don’t make much progress. That’s basically how it was for every sport. I turned out to be average (able to play competitively and keep up) in basically every sport, but I’ve never really been a true force. It took me 21 years before I even won any sort of tournament, and I have played in quite a bit (special thanks to Purdue folk for inviting me to a volleyball tourney to guarantee me the trophy). But I’ve spent alot of times on the courts, between the white lines, and I’ve learned alot. I’ve also changed alot. I used to be the biggest mouth on the court, trash talking like none other. I still run into people who remember watching me play when I was like 10 years old, and they just remember how much trash I would talk to people. I tamed that down quite a bit now (depending on who I play with…you still need to have some fun at times).
I have heard many people say, when talking about relationships, that to get a good glimpse as to a person’s true character, to watch them in their regular environment. When it’s a one-on-one setting, people try to show-off and be on their best behavior. But watch a girl when she’s talking with her girlfriends, or look at a guy as he’s playing sports…you’ll start to see more of their attitude than you knew before.
But over the years, I’ve noticed things a more deeper level. Because basketball was my true first love, I spent a huge amount of time learning, playing, teaching, watching, and practicing it. And looking back simply at my life in that arena, I can see alot of how I play(ed) reflected my lifestyle.
There are 5 positions on the basketball court:
Point Guard - handles the ball, runs the offense, directs people where to go and gets people the ball to shoot
Shooting Guard – primarily a shooter, simply tries to get open and make a shot…best shooter on the team
Small Forward - a bit of a bigger body, also a shooter, and can handle the ball pretty decently
Power Forward - big body, looks to score inside, muscles people around
Center - biggest guy out there, should not dribble, just get underneath the basket and put it in
That’s a rough idea of how people characterize the positions. And normally when you play, you’re placed depending on your size. I, obviously, started out as a point guard. I would play with people so much older and bigger than me, that I couldn’t really match up physically with any of them. One thing I did have was vision. From whe I was very young, Ive prided myself in my ability to see the court and be able to guess correctly where people are moving to and how defenses are playing and what are players strengths and weaknesses. So that’s what I did for most of my life. I would occasionally shoot from the outside, but I basically set everyone else up, and I loved it. I got to be so good with my handles and I’d get pretty fancy with my passes, but it would work. What I loved the most would be that I wouldn’t really get much credit for it. Because no matter what I did, when all is said and done, all eyes were on the boy that made the shots (…and Sij, you stole my thunder by being the shooter).
And in life? Oh so similar. My desire in everything is to set things up and make sure things get done right, but I don’t attach my name to it. I’ll make sure things are running perfectly, then pass the ball off to someone else who’ll finish it off and get the credit. Occasionally I’ll let myself get some cheers by doing things, but that wasn’t my goal. I didn’t want that attention.
Another thing about my ballin’ skills was that for most of my life I was primarily a 3-point threat. I’d just hang out around the stripe, wait until the ball got swung back to me, and then I’d shoot. If it wasn’t there, I’d find and open guy and let them get it. But I would never drive it in. My high school guys would joke about how I didn’t know how to make a lay-up, because my entire game was dribbling and shooting 3’s. Why didn’t I take it inside, you ask? I feared rejection. Like I told you, I played with guys bigger and stronger than me all the time. And they would show me no mercy. If I tried to even come close to the basket and take a shot, that ball would get knocked right back at my face. So instead of facing it, I played soft. Even on fast breaks, if I felt pressure coming, I’d look to make my patented wrap-around pass (or wrap-around fake, if I was feeling giddy) and let them finish instead of me taking the chance.
And that’s life. Fearing rejection. I won’t go into situations that I feel are basically rejections waiting to happen. I logically think things through, if it ends in ‘that ball is going to be sent right back at you’ then I’ll pass. It carried a huge complex around of not being strong enough or good enough, and I would shy away to the backgrounds in areas that I knew I could excel in. If it takes some courage, then I’d be lacking. I held myself back in so many ways just because I was unsure with how things would play out.
But you know what I noticed over time? The people who are considered the greatest ballers are those who really can do it all: offensively, defensively, inside and out. Guys like Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Isiah Thomas, Kobe Bryant…these guys weren’t one-dimensional players. Growing up they might have been typecasted into one position. But they pushed themselves to master the game as a whole. Jordan was told that he was a good player, but he wasn’t that great of a shooter. What’d he do? Worked on his shot non-stop, and became one of the best clutch shooters of all-time. Magic Johnson came into the NBA as a point guard, known for his court vision and flashy passes. But his rookie year, he played every position in the NBA finals because there was a need – point guard, shooting guard, small forward, power forward, and center. Simply Amazing.
And over time, I turned my desire into becoming more of a well-rounded player. I still like handling the ball and making that special pass, but I have no fear in bringing it in anymore. It took some time, but I just had to get thrown underneath the basket and forced to keep putting up the shots until I learned how to deal with the pressure.
In life? Still not complete yet. I still settle for jump shots because I see the defender underneath. I still have a tendancy to set up the pass to the clutch shooter instead of carrying the burden on my own. I’ve made some progress over time, but I’m not anywhere close to going up strong everytime. But the desire is there. I’m working at it. I’m starting to fight the fear and carry the weight. When the time is short and something needs to be done, I will be the one who takes the ball and simply uses wisdom…looking to pass but ready to shoot. No fear. Just watch. In due time, they’ll be calling me clutch. On the court…and off.
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